I am going to try to post once a day in here.

Already that sentence feels like a harbinger of  ‘best intentions’ with that word ‘TRY’.   Then again, if I said ‘I will’ I would feel just slightly like I was a failure if I miss  a day or two here or there.

I am on vacation this week.  I turn 43 on Sunday and I always take the week before or after off completely. That is my birthday present to myself.  A week to pretend I am independently wealthy and can do as I please.
Of course, I have a full list of things I need to accomplish – clean, sort, toss, organize, cook, take Oliver to the vet, shop, sew more pads for my mothers wheelchair – so, it really is never the vacation I want it to be.

As for my weight, it is stable.  I haven’t sought out any WW meetings yet.
I had a bit of a indulgent day yesterday and once again was reminded how much like a steaming pile of crap I feel like when I do that.  It is an awful feeling – like a heavy, wet blanket that lingers for days like a bad odor.  I am doing better with reminding myself NOT to indulge in that extra slice or whatnot so it is very clear to me what this feeling it when it comes.  Eating too much makes me depressed and sucks all the enthusiasm out of me.  How weird is that.  I suspect that it is much the same for a person who has a problem drinking or drugs.  Some sick part of the brain tells us it’s OK to have a little more – we can handle it – we’ll be better tomorrow or whatever it is that sick part of our brains tell us.
There was this guy I knew a long time ago in a land far, far away from here who was beautiful, sweet and married.  He would leave his wife periodically to go on drinking binges and sleep around and all his wife ever said about it was “When Alonzo is drinking he is just not a very  happy person.  Alcohol is very, very bad for him and it makes him depressed”.   I was a bit taken aback by that because she was clearly not blaming him or herself,  she blamed his actions on the alcohol.
Interesting, maybe a bit naive but interesting.

I am not happy when I am eating too much.  I get very depressed and very down when I do it.  I know that this is part of the healing process and that eventually I will be at the point where I choose to not indulge to avoid that feeling – much the way I did with other addictive substances.

I just wonder how long this process takes?