Mother

After a long hiatus I have decided to revive this blog, not sure how long it will last.  I read the below draft and decided to post it as it was such a hard time the collective lives of my family – explains why I stopped blogging.  Suffice to say, my mother did not die and a small hospital on the coast has saved her life, twice.

 

“The thing about my mother that I keep forgetting is that she and I never really got along until she got sick.  As she has gotten sicker we have become closer.   Maybe her illness brought her guard down, or mine, and we stopped being afraid of each other.  I know I always felt afraid of her – her judgement of me always coming swift and harsh.  I forget that I had hated her most of my life and had once, in a fit of teenage rage told her I hoped she rotted in hell.  I don’t even believe in hell, nor does she, what an ironic and empty threat that turned out to be.  I have heard over and over again how ‘good’ or ‘brave’ or ‘nice’ I am to have forgiven and forgotten.
Her light is fading fast, her inabilty to to express toxins from her body have put her in a somnolent hepatic coma.  She is ‘in’ there and remembers everything but has no real interest in engaging anyone in conversation.  My father and I are facing the decision on what to do for her since she cannot make rational decisions for herself.  Do we force her to wear the Bi-pap or keep her in the hospital and have her intubated?   If she is intubated what quality of life does she have?  At least with a Bi-pap she could take it when she wanted to talk or eat.  Do we bring her home or have her go to rehab?  Is it time for hospice?  Can we really deal with her dying at home?”

More Harm, More Good?

I am writing slightly inebriated, 2 days of low carb under me and a raving, lunatic sized mental “hard-on” for some fucking SUGAR!!!!

I am eating a low carb but a moderate fat diet and I am including any green vegetables (not peas or soybeans) and grape tomatoes.  I did have some crackers today with my canned/smoked/olive oil Rainbow Trout and the Turkey Jerky I had 6 grams but all toll I did not have more than 30-40 grams of carbs today.

What I have noticed in these two days is a less foggy mind and a warmer internal temperature…my body being forced to burn it’s stored fat?
I do feel a bit sluggish physically (which is  known effect the first week or so) but my mind feels sharper and I feel much lighter and less achey – all in just a few days!

I expect to be back exercising within a week for so…just as soon as we move the stuff we moved into the spare room to demo the living room back into the living room.  We debated that but then realized we really did not have a good reason anymore.

I plan to keep track of my calories/fat/protein/fiber content on FitDay, considering that last item I have to mention that going #2 is considerably changed.

Shopping today was hard even though I bought myself some more protein oriented or zero carb snacking ability items (Toasted Nori anyone!?) I still wanted to just grab a bag of candy or a box of Little Debbie’s a la “one last time” and have at it.  The thing is that “one last time” never just comes…I have to will it to be there and make it happen by NOT indulging and in realizing that “one last time” was time before and I am done bargaining with myself.

Still circling, still too tired to get motivated, thinking maybe I need some antidepressants?

Random Notes

I did not weigh myself yet.  Not because I was waiting for the ‘right’ moment more because I am trying to psych myself up to the moment.  There is a difference, non?
The weather has been unbearable here and I have not wanted to venture out to find the nearest WW group.  We will finally be getting the spare room organized and I can start doing my other exercises in there.  I have my period right now and I feel like CRAPOLA.  I was sitting with two gals from work today and they were going on and on about how great it was to be past menopause.  I really am looking forward to NOT spending 10 days a month feeling like CRAP…well, more like CRAP than usual anyhow.
I was thinking last night how I NEVER wake up in a good mood and that this must have something to do with the lack of the dopamine in my brain…note to self…look for supplement at health food store that can help me with this.  I tried to take SAMe but all it did was make my legs swell up.  How weird is that?
I should also probably stop watching the food network to ‘wind down’ – esp. that show with Guy Fieri “Diners, Drive-In’s and Dives”.  He makes me want to eat, ALOT.
Today I am really tired.  I have not slept well since I got back from the folks house.  I had a fighting chance last night only to be woken up by indigestion and then again 2 hours later because our house alarm went off.  That was a hell of a 4AM wake up call – followed up by a visit from the local cops.  Well, at least it will give the neighbors something to wag their tounges about:0(

Down

I woke up feeling a little more down than usual….and as usual, planning what I am going to eat for the day.  There was the voice that said “have a blow out day for the last day off from work” but I sort of had too much ice cream yesterday and don’t feel really into sugar.  Imagine that.
I am down because not only is this the last day of my vacation but this is my weekend to go up to my parents house and I really DON’T want to go and see them.  It brings me way down to see my mother in the condition she is in.  She is home bound at this point and has to wear a diaper because she is too weak to use the standing lift to use the bathroom.  At least they have an actual visiting nurse coming in 2 -3 times a week (as well as all the CNA’s etc.).  They found out she has MERSA – an infection that came to life in a hospital and therefore is really, really hard to get rid of.  They put her on heavy antibiotics and she is sick from those.
So, it will be an unpleasant visit and it will take me a full week to recover from it and then I’ll be OK for a week and then I’ll go back up there and be down again.
I think perhaps I should change the word “down” to grieving.  Essentially that is what it is, isn’t it?  I am grieving the loss of my mother as her condition takes her down bit by bit.  I seem to have forgotten the fact that before she became ill we did not get along very well and that she STILL finds ways to put me down – even now, as sick as she is.  The last time she went to the hospital I was crying and all she said was “Knock it off, for Christ’s sake!”

Now to food.  This has been an off week to be sure but I would say less indulgent than most weeks and I did what G.Roth suggested – I only ate what I wanted.  So, a fair amount of crap but not a TON of it.  If that makes sense.

I bought a new scale and plan to start weighing myself every week on Monday.  I am dreading it – the only good news for me on this is that I know that I am not over 350lbs (the max for that scale).

I have been watching this show RUBY about a woman in Georgia, Ruby Gettinger, trying to lose 300 lbs.  She is wonderfully charming and she is beautiful!  I can’t wait for the second season to start.  She has lost 104 lbs already.  She has a blog too.  Check it out!

Yay for ME

I started off today  much better – going back to a plan that really worked amazingly well for me in the past.  I did indulge in coffee with cream and sugar (2ce!) but so far my satisfying breakfast has held my need to ‘snack’ at bay.
I am loving my time off so far.

Once a Day

I am going to try to post once a day in here.

Already that sentence feels like a harbinger of  ‘best intentions’ with that word ‘TRY’.   Then again, if I said ‘I will’ I would feel just slightly like I was a failure if I miss  a day or two here or there.

I am on vacation this week.  I turn 43 on Sunday and I always take the week before or after off completely. That is my birthday present to myself.  A week to pretend I am independently wealthy and can do as I please.
Of course, I have a full list of things I need to accomplish – clean, sort, toss, organize, cook, take Oliver to the vet, shop, sew more pads for my mothers wheelchair – so, it really is never the vacation I want it to be.

As for my weight, it is stable.  I haven’t sought out any WW meetings yet.
I had a bit of a indulgent day yesterday and once again was reminded how much like a steaming pile of crap I feel like when I do that.  It is an awful feeling – like a heavy, wet blanket that lingers for days like a bad odor.  I am doing better with reminding myself NOT to indulge in that extra slice or whatnot so it is very clear to me what this feeling it when it comes.  Eating too much makes me depressed and sucks all the enthusiasm out of me.  How weird is that.  I suspect that it is much the same for a person who has a problem drinking or drugs.  Some sick part of the brain tells us it’s OK to have a little more – we can handle it – we’ll be better tomorrow or whatever it is that sick part of our brains tell us.
There was this guy I knew a long time ago in a land far, far away from here who was beautiful, sweet and married.  He would leave his wife periodically to go on drinking binges and sleep around and all his wife ever said about it was “When Alonzo is drinking he is just not a very  happy person.  Alcohol is very, very bad for him and it makes him depressed”.   I was a bit taken aback by that because she was clearly not blaming him or herself,  she blamed his actions on the alcohol.
Interesting, maybe a bit naive but interesting.

I am not happy when I am eating too much.  I get very depressed and very down when I do it.  I know that this is part of the healing process and that eventually I will be at the point where I choose to not indulge to avoid that feeling – much the way I did with other addictive substances.

I just wonder how long this process takes?

Still here

I am still here, sort of.  Life got incredibly busy with the move, the Holidaze and then my mother back in the hospital until just before Christmas.  We had just barely recovered from all that when the cold hand of winter was upon us and found us grappling to finish getting all of our stuff from storage into the garage and find a snowthrower before the first big storm.
Whew.
I joined WW on-line right before all this chaos (will my stupidity ever cease!), used it for a week and haven’t looked at it since because of 1) everything listed above and 2) I am gathering now that online weight loss just doesn’t keep me motivated.  I think I need actual meetings with live bodies and that sweaty palmed – trying to squeeze every last ounce of pee out of me before I get weighed in – feeling.  LOL.
It is 40 below tonight, without the wind chill factor.  Yikes.  I’ll be lucky if my car starts in the morning.
I do have some goals for the late spring.  To have all my stuff sorted out and have either given away, sold or recycled 1/2 of what I own.  To get into good enough shape to start hiking again (I am still exercising at least!!).  My first goal is Pleasant Mountain in Rangely Lakes area.  I tried to do it last summer but it was just a bit too much for me.  I think this year I can do it.
Not much else to report really.  Things are settling down, I am able to focus on more than one task at a time again.  I love my new house!!

Week One

The short of the long, I used ALL my Flex Points and went over an additional 42.5 points for the week.
That being said – and feeling like a glutton still – my pants are looser and I feel lighter.
Life is bittersweet for me right now.  My mother is languishing in some poorly defined illness – my husband and I are closing on our house this Friday – my mother is slipping away from me in bigger and bigger pieces everyday – I’m picking out paint colors and planning my garden.  Straddling two worlds of the inevitability and new beginnings I am feeling stretched thin and dried up emotionally.
I have already robbed my Flex Points bank and it is only Day Two of week Two.
I suppose I could soothe myself by saying that ‘things are stressful right now’ – but, honestly, things are always stressful – I guess it’s just called “LIFE”.

11-10-08

I joined WW just now.  I logged in all my food and I manged to only go over 6.5 points for the day.  Well, YAY for me!  One thing I already don’t like (cuz’ I’m a hater like that I guess) is that it only tracks your points – no fiber or other nutrients like FitDay did.  Bummer.
I paid for 3 months to save myself a little money.
I can do anything for 3 months…can’t I?